Because I’m Awesome.

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It’s amazing how easy it is to go through life without having enough FUN.

I have a lot of fun, usually, but also find myself occasionally wondering what happened to the carefree nature of life. Days when I’m tired, stressed, and “fun” activities become obligation.

Tonight was one of those nights. I’d paid to go to a GrubWithUs—hadn’t been to one in a long time and I love them—but it ended up being a little stressful. Work is crazy, I’m flying to San Diego tomorrow night, and I had to get to Pac Heights at a decent time. Once I found myself in Chinatown waiting for the 1 California bus, two passed me and didn’t stop because they were full. I was stressed, miserably cold, freaking out about being late, wondering how I’d get to the restaurant and then…

I realized that NO ONE WAS MAKING ME DO THIS.

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Instead I walked up to Powell Street and hopped on the cable car back down to Market, enjoying the wind in my hair and one of my favorite SF traditions on a peaceful night. I walked into Forever 21 and bought a super cheap, sexy dress and $3 turquoise feather earrings because I could. I finally bought the Street Smart newspaper from a homeless person, hopped on the bus, bought a 7-pound bag of ice for $2.75 just so I could have one icy cocktail, mixed it up when I got home along with a bowl of pasta. For dessert, I ate an entire king-size chocolate bar without caring about how many miles I should run tomorrow morning to burn it off.

And I realized: I can do this. Whenever I want.

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Not saying that eating a whole chocolate bar or being buzzed off of a gin and tonic on a Monday night is the key to life, but I realized that I’m constantly obeying rules for myself without even realizing it.

  • I have to be working all the time.
  • I always have to be checking my email.
  • I have to run all the time or be feeling guilty about not running.
  • I need to eat healthy and punish myself when I don’t.
  • I shouldn’t eat the chocolate. I shouldn’t have the cocktail.
  • I have to follow through on every. single. obligation. regardless of how important it actually is or how I am feeling in my mind, body, and spirit.
  • I should be doing something more productive right now.
  • I should lose 5 pounds to be sexier and skinnier. I should feel bad about my body until I do so.
  • I need to constantly project a certain image.
  • I have to obey one million ideas that no one’s forcing me to do.

Well I’m done with this. I’m ready to spend more time being selfish. I’m ready to spend more time doing things that make me feel good. Because I’m awesome. I’m done doing everything for everyone else and I’m going to focus on me and what makes me happy, whether that’s running 7 miles before 7 or not waking up til 11 or eating a fresh salad or the entire chocolate bar or going to bed at 9PM or 3AM or going out and not having a drink or going out and having several or taking an extended lunch break because we all know I get my work done or working through the whole day so I can turn my computer off at 5PM and not touch it til the next morning. I’m going to spend my time how I WANT to spend my time, whether that’s out with a bunch of friends or home drinking cocoa in my jammies or waking up early to exercise or deciding that in no way I’m going to exercise today or prioritizing happiness and pleasure. Because I’m awesome.

I’m done hanging out with friends when it feels like a chore.

I’m done sitting home alone when it feels like a prison.

I’m done thinking of what others expect before I think about what truly makes me happy.

Lord knows I keep healthy. Lord knows I’m good at my job. Lord knows I’m dedicated. That’s not the question. The question is how much joy I take out of the small moments.

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I’m resolving to be more hedonistic in the small moments.

  • I’ll get off the bus a stop early to get hot chocolate for less than $2.
  • I’ll walk the long way back to the bus after work to think.
  • I’ll eat the chocolate or the ice cream or the fried chicken.
  • I’ll waste time doing something that feels like anything but a waste.
  • I’ll look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I’m gorgeous. I’ll have a dance party with myself and not care who is watching.
  • I’ll flirt with whoever I want, be it the guy on the bus or at the store or anywhere else, just because it’s fun.
  • I’ll stop trying to apologize for the fact that I am sexy yet strong, smart and sweet and a whole ball of sass rolled into one.
  • I’ll stop trying to live up to other’s expectations and set my own.

Because I’m awesome. And I deserve it. And so do you.

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Why do we as women put so much pressure on ourselves, in work, in relationships, at home, in life? Why do we feel like taking time for ourselves is selfish or lazy or unproductive? It’s not. If we all were a little more selfish with our time, if we were all a bit better at saying NO, at expressing how we ACTUALLY feel instead of convincing ourselves that we’re overreacting, at eating the chocolate, at dumping the dude who makes you feel bad about yourself, at hiring that babysitter or house cleaner or pickup/delivery laundry service or whatever small thing to make our life easier, the entire world would be a better place.

There’s a place for selfless sacrifice in every day. But there’s also a time to stop caring about who thinks what and what you should be doing and concentrate on what you want to be doing so that YOU feel fulfilled, refreshed and more energetic and happy than ever and can apply that to every area of your life. I’m doing that… because I can.

Join me.

(PS, if you’re ever in need of a pick me up, listen to the Dollyrots’ song Because I’m Awesome while singing along in your jammies. It’s a guaranteed mood booster. It might even prompt an inane blog post about your self-appointed awesomeness.)

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  • Bright Spots

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    Okay I’m going to be totally honest. The last 1.5 weeks or so have totally sucked.

    Work and related stuff has been very stressful, and it’s kind of spanned out into other areas of my life—stress, not getting enough sleep, being too tired to work out, being stressed about not working out, emotional eating, weight gain, more stress—ew. I’ve just been really busy and not feeling good, with a perpetual headache, and fruit flies have invaded my apartment. I am not in a great place.

    But with that being said, not all is bleak! Though I may not be at my happiest, there have been several bright spots in my life lately. I want to take a moment to point out some of these happy things that have kept me going during the last few days.

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    1. GARMIN!!!

    I got one! I got one! I got one! **jumps up and down** I had wanted to get one of these and I finally ponied up the $136 (up from $128 the last day that I had checked… boo) and after waiting for Super Saver Shipping (thanks, Amazon) and yesterday IT CAME!

    Pathetically, I haven’t used it yet (and it’s been more than 24 hours!!!) but I had plans I couldn’t break yesterday after work and today I came home intending to take it out for a spin but… I’d forgotten to charge it! #fail. Probably for the best though, as I had a massive headache and instead took a nice hour walk through the Sunset district, which was what I needed. Tomorrow morning though… it’s on!

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    2. STAND UP DESK!!!

    I’m one of those weird healthy people at work sometimes. (The other times I’m making a half dozen trips to the kitchen in one hour for a handful of Stacy’s Pita Chips, all the while convincing myself that the calories don’t count if it’s just a handful of chips…) Anyways, I’ve been REALLY hating sitting down all day. Having gained several pounds since I started, my adult (and sedentary) job, I’ve just felt lethargic and like my butt is molding to the chair. No more! Now I can work standing up half the day. I am very excited about this and I already feel my back getting stronger (slouch much??) though after day one I could have SWORN I was hungrier. Ha. Next goal is to buy a BOSU ball to stand on while working at my standup desk. That would be winning.

    (My desktop background is Big Sur. Bonus bright spot—BSIM 2012!)

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    3. FREE ICE CREAM AND NEW BOOKS!!!

    I got a coupon in the mail for a FREE pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream today! That’ll brighten all but the darkest of days. The only problem is deciding what flavor!

    I also have three books to read: Eating Animals (trying to figure out my stance on meat-eating once and for all since my “I’m not sure if I should be a vegetarian” post…), The Male Brain (dating in the mid-2os decoded, yo) and Born to Run (yay!).

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    4. BLOGGER MEET UP!!!

    I am trying to get the ball rolling for a big bay area blogger meetup in late August or early September. There are so many bloggers out here and I’ve only met a fraction of them and I would be really excited to help put something together to meet new friends! I already found out about some new bloggers today on Twitter so that is really awesome and I look forward to it! If you or someone you know is in the SF bay area, leave a comment or pass the word along!

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    5. WORLD RECORD MARATHON TIME!!!

    I tweeted this already but here’s a laugh for you. I changed from the half to the full for the SF Marathon, and I got my bib confirmation # email today, and it turned out my expected finish time had stayed the same. I am predicted, via this email, to run a 2:00 marathon. It’s ridiculous and obviously impossible but I giggled. I’m beyond happy with a 2:00 HALF! Hence that being my original goal. World record here I come!

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    6. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO LIKES CANDY CORN?

    Okay, it’s like, top 5 favorite foods. So many people hate it. Today on my walk, I wandered into a drugstore that had an ENTIRE DISPLAY of candy corn. Not only the classics, but also the caramel, and CARAMEL APPLE candy corn (never heard of it… going back to buy some) and autumn mix (can I get a what what for mellowcreme pumpkins?) I don’t care if this stuff has been sitting there since October—it would still taste the same—it just made me happy to see it. And to plan to go back and buy some.

    I’m in a better mood already just writing about these. Now it’s back to work, but at least I can try to focus on a few of the positives. Have a great night everybody!

    Have you had any “bright spots” in your life recently?

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  • “So What Exactly Do You DO in Mozambique?”

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    Hi all! I JUST got back into Mozambique after the most AMAZING weekend at the Bushfire Festival in Swaziland… I took hundreds of pictures, heard great bands from all over, froze my butt off, and went running with zebras. I will start posting about the weekend once I get home and have a chance but until then, here’s some more entertainment for you : ) Hope everyone had a GREAT Memorial Day Weekend!

    I write a lot of random posts about life out here but I have thus neglected what it is I actually DO here. I have barely mentioned the work that I spend about forty hours a week doing! I figured I should take the chance to explain a little bit about my work for those who are curious what the heck I actually do in Mozambique besides stalk blogs and write random, rambling posts here.

    I am a Peace Corps Volunteer (to read my Peace Corps story, check here) serving in a tiny beach town right on the coast of the Indian Ocean in southern/central Mozambique. I work full-time at the sub-office of an international NGO, as the HIV/AIDS Mainstreaming Officer on a sustainable economic development project. The average Mozambican living in the rural areas and towns of northern Inhambane province (where we are based) lives in absolute poverty, on less than $1 a day.

    Many development organizations and projects have arrived in the area and have attempted to remedy the situation by giving handouts (free food, monetary help, etc.), which ends up perpetuating the cycle of dependency, keeping people in poverty. My project has a different approach: proverbially teaching a man to fish rather than giving him a fish. Instead of handouts, the project trains people to participate and run commercial economic activities in a variety of areas, including Arts and Crafts, Livestock, Cashew, and village savings groups. By providing technical assistance and linkages with the market, the project hopes to develop participants’ economic activities to a profitable and sustainable level. Working with the Mainstreaming sector, my job is to make sure social issues including gender equality, involvement of the woman in household economic activities and decision making, and the economic and social effects of HIV/AIDS and other chronic illnesses, are integrated into the work being done by the project. We also work with group capacity building (strengthening the group into its own independent unit), and I also do a variety of other work on the staff level, principally including health education and English classes.

    Our “Mainstreaming Activities” are tools—little games, almost—that are used to provoke discussion amongst participants about these critical issues. The most useful is the Income and Expenditure Tree, in which the roots of the tree represent household income sources and the roots represent household expenditures, which is then used to discuss the importance on having several different income sources within the family to be more resistant to economic shocks and other emergencies that can arise. It can be used to discuss benefits of involving the woman more in the household, for example (“If the woman doesn’t participate in any activities or know anything about them, if the man dies, what will happen to the family?”) as well as HIV/AIDS and a variety of other topics.

    We also lead discussions on the importance and advantages in working together in groups. Many people who are raising cattle, for example, do so individually, but being part of a grupo de criadores (livestock breeders) has myriad advantages: group sale to large-scale buyers, availability and streamlining of animal health care such as tick baths and vaccines, etc.) We have an activity called “walking blindly” in which we blindfold a person and make them walk a complicated course with no help—clearly, this usually ends unsuccessfully (but hopefully not in injury). Then the process is repeated—first, the blindfolded person receives verbal help from the other participants (much easier!). And lastly, the volunteer has two others walking on each side of him/her to gently guide through the course (even easier!!!) Then, we talk about how much easier tasks are with mutual support and why we should work together in associations.

    One of my favorite things to do is facilitate HIV educational activities with participants and fellow staff members. Recently, I had the opportunity to work with a bunch of elderly women who participate in our basket-weaving component. (The women weave traditional baskets, which they are paid for, and are sold through the tourist market both locally and internationally.)

    We played a game called “Elephants and Lions” that demonstrates the effect of HIV on the body and the immune system, followed by an animated discussion about HIV prevention and risks. A couple women in the group were HIV-positive, and played a very active role in helping to educate their peers about the dangers of the disease.

    I also conduct activities with my staff whenever I get the opportunity, and it is always a learning experience—not only for them, but for me as well. At our last planning meeting, I did an activity where we discussed the levels of risk for HIV transmission of a variety of sexual activities—I “learned” that unprotected anal sex is a “low risk” activity. (Nope.) I am often surprised by what comes through during these activities, and love being able to take advantage of teachable moments—like using instant coffee to show why blood is so much more dangerous (in terms of HIV transmission) than saliva is!

    I also, when I get the chance, try to display health information about various topics, not just HIV, in my office. I have a “health corner” where I post information periodically.

    And perhaps the most fun new activity is the English class I have been leading with my roommate. It has been really fun and never ceases to be amusing. Plus, I get to speak English instead of Portuguese. I normally love speaking Portuguese, but explaining “why anal sex is more dangerous for the person receiving because of the micro-tears that can be created in the skin” in a foreign language is never really that fun.

    With all being said, I love what I do here. But, it is chock full of challenges. It is easy to come out here thinking you are going to change the world and educate an entire African village about HIV but in reality, the person who changes most is you. People have been living the way they live for years and years before you arrive, and will continue to keep on living that way long after you leave. Behavior change takes time, and no matter how hard we work, we might not see any differences in our two years. With all of these obstacles, it is easy to get jaded, completely confounded and overwhelmed by the vastness of the problems from HIV to poverty that we are just not always capable of dealing with. No, I am not going to save a village from AIDS nor will I pull hundreds of people out of poverty. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything. I can’t do EVERYTHING, but I CAN do SOMETHING. And finding that pervading optimism in my work, no matter what challenges are in front of me, is what I strive for.

    And when all else fails, sometimes when I am working, a monkey will stop by to say hi. Who can complain about that?

    So now you know how you spend my time… I want to know how you spend yours! What’s your job? What are the challenges?

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