Yesterday I ran my third half marathon at the Dodge San Jose Rock & Roll. I had initially wanted to do the race but couldn’t afford it, but then my lovely (and generous!) friend Alyssa gifted me a bib she couldn’t use, so I was psyched for the opportunity. Unfortunately, work and life got in the way of proper race planning and before I knew it I was arriving home after 11PM the night before the race, not quite sure where to go the next morning, where the race started, etc etc AND having eaten a dinner that consisted of more bad beers than I remember and various cookies consumed at a tailgate at the UCLA/Stanford football game. Not the smartest pre-race plan.

My alarm went off at 4:45AM Sunday, giving me approximately 15 minutes to get ready—I had to get my bib race day morning which I knew could be a pain. However when the alarm went off I pressed snooze because I had no idea why I was waking up so early! CLEEEEARLY not in race mindset. Then I remembered five minutes later and actually jumped out of bed.

I got ready quickly, shoved a bunch of other stuff I thought I might need in a bag and drove down to SJ. The combo of “crap I’m late” and exactly ZERO cars on the road meant that I was parked in the HP Pavilion parking lot at oh, 6:04AM. For a 8AM race. And it was still completely dark out. I hung out in the car for a little eating my breakfast and then headed out to find my bib.

…Which took about 45 minutes. I got pointed everrrrry which direction and finally got the bib after 7AM. I did a mass tweet to try to meet up with Michelle, Renee, Dennis, Audrey, or Jana but ended up kind of wandering around. It was getting decently warm already so I was more than comfortable in my running skirt, short-sleeve top and arm warmers. It started to get REALLY crowded after 7 and it was pretty fun to see so many people. I headed to my corral (4, 1:55 expected finish time) and said hi to the birthday girl on the way.

The race started and I was off. I had a goal of a 1:55 (PR) that I thought should be easy given the fat and fast course. My first two half marathons I both ran in 1:58, the Shamrock’n Half and the Giant Race, so I figured this would not be too tricky.

That’s an 8:55 pace, but I was apparently excited did my first five miles around an 8:40 average.

The one problem: at the start line, I had to pee. I figured it was just nervousness and would go away, but it didn’t. I never have had to stop to use the bathroom during a race before but by mile 4 I was actually in pain. I did NOT want to lose time because I knew that stopping for the bathroom + stopping running in general would kill my PR chances. But I had banked a minute or so and somewhere around mile 5.5 I stopped at a portapotty.

Bad idea. These weren’t race portapotties, they were permanent ones with no TP and total gag fest. I lost the minute and change but pressed on. Shoulda just peed, oops. Somewhere around 10K marker I found race potties and jumped in. I tried to make it quick but with the fuel belt and the iPod and stuff I ended up losing about 2 minutes, and change. Now I was about 3-4 minutes delayed. But I still had a chance.

But then something in me just died. At the 10K sign all I wanted to do was walk. WALK! In a half marathon! I’ve never done this. I am fine with walking through aid stations (to actually get to DRINK the water) but I had never walked for reals in a half marathon and I didn’t even walk until mile 16 during Big Sur full. But I just couldn’t do it.

The rest of the race was a mental disaster. It was like nothing was wrong (my body was in fine shape), but yet everything was. I just kept walking, my heart rate was through the roof. I looked around wondering why I was the only one walking (um, because you’re with the 1:50-2:00 runners and thus everyone is RUNNING). I kept telling myself “30 second break after the next mile” but couldn’t even seem to walk a mile without stopping. I texted Alyssa at mile 9 to tell her I was thinking about a DNF. I just was so embarrassed I was having so much trouble and my mind was playing horrible tricks on me. “why are you walking, slacker?” “how the heck do you plan to run a 3:59 marathon if you can’t even jog a nine-minute-mile without stopping?” “you can never run a marathon again.” etc. I tried REALLY hard to beat the demons and when I saw the 2:00 pacer past me I felt my heart clunk. More negative thoughts. Then I realized my mind was being my enemy and that even if I was going to PW, I damn well wasn’t going to throw everything away.

I walked consistently throughout the second half of the race to get my heart rate down and finished the race in 2:01.

This was an interesting race for a variety of reasons. One, it was only three minutes slower than my previous half-marathons despite stopping for 3-4 minutes for the bathroom. Meaning, I would have PR’ed if I just didn’t need to pee and I took 21 walk breaks instead of 22 (or whatever it was in reality.) And 2:01 is a totally respectable time for a half for me. And half of my miles were sub-8:50, which is a start. So why did I cross the finish line and feel just so defeated?

I’m not sure. Well, it was the walking. I joked about it being my Hungover Race and yes, I probably had too much beer the night before but honestly I really doubt it was that. Probably a combo of poor nutrition, being exhausted all week, running every day for a week (that never happens) and my legs being tired… there are many excuses. But that’s not the point.

It’s my brain.

With how distracted I’ve been by life lately I simply have not had the emotional and mental energy to pour into running. I’ve acted like physical effort is enough but it’s not. When you step up to the start line, your physical prep has gotten you to that point, but it’s your brain that carries you through. It’s your mind who makes the difference between “I’ll stop when it gets hard” and “I’ll stop when it’s over.” I’ve been the latter. Yesterday, no matter how hard I tried to will myself back, I was the former.

This was very eye-opening for me, especially as my first “bad” race (I am new to running and this is only my 5^th race so each one is some crazy learning experience). But I’ve also realized what I need to do. I don’t know what I need to do about the sudden inability to run a mile without stopping, but I’d love advice on that one. What I DO know, however, is that I need to work on my mental game. Whether it’s completely unrelated to running, whether it’s dropping to 3 or 4 runs/week and focusing more on crosstraining, or running sans Garmin, or just whatever, I need to do it. Running is supposed to be fun, and running a 2:01 half marathon, a few minutes slower than I ideally may have wanted, is NOT a failure. I went out there and I DID IT, it was good for my body and my soul, and it helps me realize what I need to do. I’m strong and capable and getting a new Worst instead of a new Best does in no way define me or take anything away from the mental effort I had to exert yesterday… even if it was my fault in the first place

Great to see friendly faces and Dennis and Jessica pictured here PR’ed BIG TIME! They are inspirations to me.

After the race I got to hang out with some amazing people at Flames. I ordered what seemed to be the most decadent and amazing dish – the cinnamon French toast.

Dennis, layla, Audrey, RoadBunner in the back, Audrey’s parents, Renee, me, Naomi, Michelle!

It was quite good, but I was actually still hungry after. Darn distance running!

Anyways, despite not having the PR I wanted, I had a lot of fun at the race and would definitely come back—it was well organized and a good, fast course. I am so thankful for this opportunity and to be able to be a part of this amazing community. Here’s to the next, faster race!

How do you bounce back from disappointment?

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