Not being able to run sucks.
It just totally sucks. But the funny thing is, it’s not the simple “not running” part that’s getting to me.
Yes, running is a great activity. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the high I get at the end of a run and carry with me all day. I love feeling powerful and fit and strong. Even though my body is not perfect, when it carries me 16 miles easily and all before breakfast, it’s hard to begrudge it for what it is not.
Whatever the injury is I am dealing with, I don’t believe it is severe. Yet. It could easily become so if I don’t get the right diagnosis and treat it accordingly. I am likely looking at about a month without running if you count the last two weeks (2 runs in there somewhere) and what I assume will be 2+ more weeks off. It’s really nothing compared to any legitimately serious injury!
But yet I feel so horrible and I realize it’s not necessarily about running.
What upsets me isn’t necessarily that I can’t get in an easy six before work. I can stay active—the gym, walking, hiking when my knee/leg/whatever does not hurt, join CrossFit, find somewhere to swim.
It’s the weight of expectations that I seem to have placed on running, and the reality of not being able to live up to them.
Running for me started in Africa where it was an escape. When my mind was concentrating on running, it was easier to block out the stress and loneliness of living in a bamboo hut overseas.
I decided to run a marathon last year. It was the most empowering thing I have ever done. Every single weekend, a new personal distance record. Every weekend, another step towards doing something I never thought possible. And I’d never been happier.
That was kind of the theme of 2011 for me. Do what you can’t do. I never thought I’d run a marathon. I ran one and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Then I ran another one at SFM, undertrained but with the goal of having fun (a quad thing knocked me out for a few weeks—it’s likely the same nagging injury that I have yet to figure out). Then I ran a third at CIM without really training for it either. And a fourth in Maui that I didn’t train for either, walking and just having fun.
And you know what? I was okay with this. I was okay with running “just to finish” and not carrying about time or splits or sub-whatever or any of that other gunk. I just didn’t really care.
But then something made me start feeling like I’m supposed to care. I’m supposed to be faster. I’m supposed to win an AG award. Break X:XX in whatever race. Even though I’m not good at running, and used to be okay with it, I started not being okay with it.
Last year I phoned it in. The week after Hawaii was the week I was supposed to start training. Training. Not for anything big, just a goal half marathon, a trail marathon that would get me into Marathon Maniacs, and the Ogden marathon for which I declared 3:55 or bust, and pacing for SFM. I was ready for 40+ miles a week every week, a strict diet, speedwork every week, running up Twin Peaks for fun, dropping 10 pounds, and anything else that would finally qualify me as a runner in my own mind.
And then that same week I got hurt.
It’s probably not related to the chaos I’ve created for myself in my mind. But the timing is horribly coincidental. I’ve been dealing with running related injuries since I started running and always just squeezed through them on luck, and I’ve got a feeling that that is over. My luck has run out and it’s going to be a bit of a break.
And I’ve already seen my goal half marathon and the elusive Marathon Maniacs membership slip through my fingers (toes?). Hundreds of dollars and dreams of goal race glory are on the line. And I can’t really handle it.
I rarely feel relaxed these days. I feel so much pressure at work. I feel so much pressure in my relationships. In my hobbies. In my schedule. And running is supposed to be the release from all of that. And yet somehow, it’s become an equal source of pressure on me.
Maybe I need a break. I want to be running and I truly do love it, but my favorite runs are the casual ones with friends when you just chat and you don’t care if you are running eight or eighteen minute pace. The runs back in the day Before the Garmin where I wasn’t constantly berating myself for being fat and slow based on those numbers on the screen. Before I turned the thing that was supposed to free me of stress into a great stressor. Though I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I need to get back what running had always been about for me: Release. Peace. Love. Joy. Not mile splits of PRs or Marathon Maniacs or finally having a 3 in front of my time to feel more legitimate. I have an obsessive personality, and each of my hobbies I tend to go a little too far. I’ve hit that point, and my body is probably doing the only thing it can to protest: screaming ‘ENOUGH ALREADY!”
I’m going to do whatever I can to be able to run pain free. But once I can I’m going to try to remember why I fell in love with it in the first place.
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Great post.
BUT I’m going to disagree with your “Even though I’m not good at running” comment. I think you’ve got a lot of natural skills & for you it’s more about finding balance. You’ll get there. And I hope you’ll be okay with it.
xoxoxo
Alyssa recently posted..#Winning
Awesome, Courtney. Not that you’re sidelined, but the wisdom and peace you are gaining. I agree with Alyssa…you’ll get there. Maybe not as soon as you were hoping, but you will. Any time you want commiseration, chat me up
Best wishes for speedy healing 
XLMIC recently posted..To run with my son…and other stuff…
Courtney, I hear what you’re saying. Running is how I lost most of my weight and it was the first viable thing I could do physically that showed me I could be something other than obese. With each race I got faster and wanted to do what every one else was doing: run faster, run farther…
This year I have to come to the realization that running should be fun. Period. I shouldn’t get caught up in what I can’t do but what I can do. I will get that marathon this year. Will I be able to do it in under 4 1/2 hours? I don’t really care any more. I just want to do what I came to do – Start and finish.
I think it’s normal for people who love running to get all caught up in the “sports” part of running and we push aside the “fun” part. I too run with injuries and am nursing some serious foot stuff. I think it happened because I was pushing myself too hard (and being too hard on myself emotionally). I need to remember to run because it saved my life and I love it.
Thank you for this post.
Tara recently posted..Are you moving or dying?
Great post, girl. You will be back in no time and clearly with the right attitude!
JANE recently posted..Sorry, Charlie.
What a wonderful post, beautiful self-reflection. It’s so important to remember why we started running in the first place. Better to focus on the good, not what you can’t be doing or ‘should’ be. When you’re recovered and ready to run again, it’ll be like starting fresh, with all the possibilities ahead!
Meredith @ DareYouTo recently posted..Love Running
Alyssa seems right on.
Sorry to hear about your injury. Seems like you may just want to take a short breather from running for a bit to give your body time to heal. It seemed like your marathon in Hawaii went fine, but maybe that was too much activity or something.
My personality is the exact same as you – once I grab hold of something, I generally run it into the ground, resulting in something bad happening because of it. It’s like something takes over me and I can’t help myself from doing it. I’ve always been a runner since age like 10, but recently I started doing longer races, and I guess the success of doing those races got me somewhat obsessed with trying to have more success. I think this led to me getting injured during 2011, and I’m still trying to become fully healthy. I went snowboarding last weekend, and I may have tweaked my left knee out there. Seems like I can’t win. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much about running and physical activities.
Anyways, I rambled a lot, but where you are right now reminds me a lot of myself. Running and activities should be about simply getting out there doing what you love instead of trying to achieve a singular goal of some kind. If it feels like a job, that means it’s time to dial things back.
And random – but is that tunnel picture above of the Sutro bath ruins? I’ve never been there before, but I was reading up on them, very interesting history.
Nelly recently posted..Tahoe snowboarding trip
Brutal to be hurt just as you’d psyched yourself back up. Once it’s healed, hopefully you’ll hit running again with 2x the motivation.
What an awesome post. This is me in a nutshell. I run to run with no “goals” really in mind. However, surrounding myself with fantastic athletes can be intimidating. Shouldn’t I be trying harder?? I fall prey to the idea, think about actually training (tempo runs, etc), then get disheartened, and my love for running dwindles. And the pressure of life in general. Add that additional pressure….geesh! :/
I often need to get back to basics and remind myself what the journey was about at the start….Having a good time.
Hoping you figure it all out soon. Hugs!
Great post, Courtney! I’m not a runner myself but I know how much you love it and I can really relate to your frustration at not feeling like you are a good enough runner/accomplishing your goals. I have those same feelings, not about running but definitely about other things. I do think you are really getting some good insight into your feelings, though! Maybe the injury isn’t related to the chaos in your mind…or maybe it is. Sometimes the universe forces us to slow down and take a better look at things. No pun intended.
Hugs!
Your posts are a bit boring, you don’t ever write about food or other aspects of healthy living.
amen sistah!! i went through this last year and that’s when you started seeing all kinds of i love running posts. i finally was able to just enjoy running again without any pressures.
in general maybe it is a runner thing we always have lots of goals and are pushing ourselves to achieve ever more in life…i’m working on it too!
Amanda – RunToTheFinish recently posted..Felt Fat: Ate the Sundae anyways
I have obsessive behaviour too, so that rings a bell with why having to take a break from running will bring up more stress while you’re already stressed out. Hang in there, the trails are always waiting for you! Get some swim on and maybe yoga/pilates that will strengthen your legs. I have been trying to run, do yoga, and I’ve realized I go overboard and hurt my body sometimes. Learning to step back a little bit is a skill too. You’ve been an inspiration for me. It’s hard not to put yourself down with weight and compete with yourself. Just remember you have a great support team!
ohmissval recently posted..A healthy trail
Ah Courtney, I hear you from every angle of the running spectrum. I thought this year was going to be my year for running after my disaster marathon last year, but the marathon is really what injured me in the first place and I think screaming that I needed a break. I know how hard it is to see the $$$ you spent go down the drain and watch all your friends set new PR’s, but we’ll get there again one day. Our body is just saying we should do it later.
Melissa @TryingtoHeal recently posted..Comment on Lilikoi Chiffon Pie by Katy (The Singing Runner)
I hear you sister friend.
I fell in love with running 2 years ago…I loved how strong and empowered I felt…And then last year I trained and ran a half marathon and halfway through I realized I was beginning to NOT enjoy running.
I ran my half marathon but this year I will be focusing on getting back to just focusing on how I fell in love with running a few years ago…No pressure to be at a certain point at a certain time…Just run and be free.
Katie@Real Food Katie’s Way recently posted..Color Me Shocked
It seems that you have a great adventure, I hope this coming summer we can spent a beautiful moment with my husband…
Natalie recently posted..vimax patch side effects
Aw girl, I love this post. I’m sorry you’re injured, but yes, it’s easy to forget why you started running in the first place. After this next half marathon, I’m taking a month or two off to stop paying attention to mileage and just enjoy being outdoors…
Amy B @ Second City Randomness recently posted..Losing My Head
There’s nothing more can feel “free” in doing a great adventure together with your love ones… My husband is my life and I am so much fun if I can be on his side…
Coline recently posted..movers Baltimore
Aw…I hope you are pain free and running soon so you can clear your head!
Grace recently posted..“Finding Grace” Day 4: Welcome to Birmingham!
Come backkkkkkk! Just because you’re taking a break from running doesn’t mean you can’t blog
You are missed.
Christine @ BookishlyB recently posted..Nonfiction Nagging- Eating Animals
Yes, running is an excellent way to keep fir ,but it is very hard on your knee joints and the likelihood that your knees will give you trouble in your later year is very high.
Paula recently posted..joint pains
we should talk
Lizzie recently posted..The Naked Run