Yesterday I ran my third half marathon at the Dodge San Jose Rock & Roll. I had initially wanted to do the race but couldn’t afford it, but then my lovely (and generous!) friend Alyssa gifted me a bib she couldn’t use, so I was psyched for the opportunity. Unfortunately, work and life got in the way of proper race planning and before I knew it I was arriving home after 11PM the night before the race, not quite sure where to go the next morning, where the race started, etc etc AND having eaten a dinner that consisted of more bad beers than I remember and various cookies consumed at a tailgate at the UCLA/Stanford football game. Not the smartest pre-race plan.
My alarm went off at 4:45AM Sunday, giving me approximately 15 minutes to get ready—I had to get my bib race day morning which I knew could be a pain. However when the alarm went off I pressed snooze because I had no idea why I was waking up so early! CLEEEEARLY not in race mindset. Then I remembered five minutes later and actually jumped out of bed.
I got ready quickly, shoved a bunch of other stuff I thought I might need in a bag and drove down to SJ. The combo of “crap I’m late” and exactly ZERO cars on the road meant that I was parked in the HP Pavilion parking lot at oh, 6:04AM. For a 8AM race. And it was still completely dark out. I hung out in the car for a little eating my breakfast and then headed out to find my bib.
…Which took about 45 minutes. I got pointed everrrrry which direction and finally got the bib after 7AM. I did a mass tweet to try to meet up with Michelle, Renee, Dennis, Audrey, or Jana but ended up kind of wandering around. It was getting decently warm already so I was more than comfortable in my running skirt, short-sleeve top and arm warmers. It started to get REALLY crowded after 7 and it was pretty fun to see so many people. I headed to my corral (4, 1:55 expected finish time) and said hi to the birthday girl on the way.
The race started and I was off. I had a goal of a 1:55 (PR) that I thought should be easy given the fat and fast course. My first two half marathons I both ran in 1:58, the Shamrock’n Half and the Giant Race, so I figured this would not be too tricky.
That’s an 8:55 pace, but I was apparently excited did my first five miles around an 8:40 average.
The one problem: at the start line, I had to pee. I figured it was just nervousness and would go away, but it didn’t. I never have had to stop to use the bathroom during a race before but by mile 4 I was actually in pain. I did NOT want to lose time because I knew that stopping for the bathroom + stopping running in general would kill my PR chances. But I had banked a minute or so and somewhere around mile 5.5 I stopped at a portapotty.
Bad idea. These weren’t race portapotties, they were permanent ones with no TP and total gag fest. I lost the minute and change but pressed on. Shoulda just peed, oops. Somewhere around 10K marker I found race potties and jumped in. I tried to make it quick but with the fuel belt and the iPod and stuff I ended up losing about 2 minutes, and change. Now I was about 3-4 minutes delayed. But I still had a chance.
But then something in me just died. At the 10K sign all I wanted to do was walk. WALK! In a half marathon! I’ve never done this. I am fine with walking through aid stations (to actually get to DRINK the water) but I had never walked for reals in a half marathon and I didn’t even walk until mile 16 during Big Sur full. But I just couldn’t do it.
The rest of the race was a mental disaster. It was like nothing was wrong (my body was in fine shape), but yet everything was. I just kept walking, my heart rate was through the roof. I looked around wondering why I was the only one walking (um, because you’re with the 1:50-2:00 runners and thus everyone is RUNNING). I kept telling myself “30 second break after the next mile” but couldn’t even seem to walk a mile without stopping. I texted Alyssa at mile 9 to tell her I was thinking about a DNF. I just was so embarrassed I was having so much trouble and my mind was playing horrible tricks on me. “why are you walking, slacker?” “how the heck do you plan to run a 3:59 marathon if you can’t even jog a nine-minute-mile without stopping?” “you can never run a marathon again.” etc. I tried REALLY hard to beat the demons and when I saw the 2:00 pacer past me I felt my heart clunk. More negative thoughts. Then I realized my mind was being my enemy and that even if I was going to PW, I damn well wasn’t going to throw everything away.
I walked consistently throughout the second half of the race to get my heart rate down and finished the race in 2:01.
This was an interesting race for a variety of reasons. One, it was only three minutes slower than my previous half-marathons despite stopping for 3-4 minutes for the bathroom. Meaning, I would have PR’ed if I just didn’t need to pee and I took 21 walk breaks instead of 22 (or whatever it was in reality.) And 2:01 is a totally respectable time for a half for me. And half of my miles were sub-8:50, which is a start. So why did I cross the finish line and feel just so defeated?
I’m not sure. Well, it was the walking. I joked about it being my Hungover Race and yes, I probably had too much beer the night before but honestly I really doubt it was that. Probably a combo of poor nutrition, being exhausted all week, running every day for a week (that never happens) and my legs being tired… there are many excuses. But that’s not the point.
It’s my brain.
With how distracted I’ve been by life lately I simply have not had the emotional and mental energy to pour into running. I’ve acted like physical effort is enough but it’s not. When you step up to the start line, your physical prep has gotten you to that point, but it’s your brain that carries you through. It’s your mind who makes the difference between “I’ll stop when it gets hard” and “I’ll stop when it’s over.” I’ve been the latter. Yesterday, no matter how hard I tried to will myself back, I was the former.
This was very eye-opening for me, especially as my first “bad” race (I am new to running and this is only my 5th race so each one is some crazy learning experience). But I’ve also realized what I need to do. I don’t know what I need to do about the sudden inability to run a mile without stopping, but I’d love advice on that one. What I DO know, however, is that I need to work on my mental game. Whether it’s completely unrelated to running, whether it’s dropping to 3 or 4 runs/week and focusing more on crosstraining, or running sans Garmin, or just whatever, I need to do it. Running is supposed to be fun, and running a 2:01 half marathon, a few minutes slower than I ideally may have wanted, is NOT a failure. I went out there and I DID IT, it was good for my body and my soul, and it helps me realize what I need to do. I’m strong and capable and getting a new Worst instead of a new Best does in no way define me or take anything away from the mental effort I had to exert yesterday… even if it was my fault in the first place 
Great to see friendly faces and Dennis and Jessica pictured here PR’ed BIG TIME! They are inspirations to me.
After the race I got to hang out with some amazing people at Flames. I ordered what seemed to be the most decadent and amazing dish – the cinnamon French toast.
Dennis, layla, Audrey, RoadBunner in the back, Audrey’s parents, Renee, me, Naomi, Michelle!
It was quite good, but I was actually still hungry after. Darn distance running!
Anyways, despite not having the PR I wanted, I had a lot of fun at the race and would definitely come back—it was well organized and a good, fast course. I am so thankful for this opportunity and to be able to be a part of this amazing community. Here’s to the next, faster race!
How do you bounce back from disappointment?
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What an honest post, thanks for sharing. I would be psyched to run a 2:01 half so yes, it is definitely not a failure! I have been struggling lately with running too, mostly mental/emotional as well, but I just try to keep pushing myself. Sometimes there really are just bad runs, but I keep reminding myself that there are also a lot more good runs. Good luck and I hope you sort everything out soon!
Bianca @ Confessions of a Chocoholic recently posted..Sriracha Spaghettini Aglio Olio
thanks bianca! i have to work on the pushing part
I’m sorry you had such a struggle with the race, but you had a great overall time for all that you described that went on.
OMG you were at flames too?! I’m sitting at the table directly in front of you! I don’t know if you remember a big group sitting down near you at the booths and they had to bring in an extra table for all of us to fit? Or if you noticed and blonde girl in a flower dress and yellow and white stripped sweater? That was me! In your photo of your group sitting at the table! I’m just out of this photo, the big guy sitting in the left of the shot, I was sitting right next to him!
OMG that is so funny!!!!! small world.
most of the girls pictured and a bunch of others, we’re having a blogger meetup on saturday. lots of runners. if you have any interest in coming! would be fun to meet you. https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=118686584903987
Great recap, Courtney! When I was reading it, I kept saying “me too!” I can totally relate to just about everything you wrote.
I’ve ran 13.1 a ton of times and I couldn’t understand why only 2 – 3 miles into the SJ RnR race, my lungs were burning, my legs were tightening up, and it was such a struggle to keep up a pace that was so easy in training. What the heck? I felt like I was going to pass out at 11 and almost walked at 12.5. And like you, it also made me doubt my ability to run the marathon I’m training for in December.
But 2:01 is nothing to feel bad about. That’s a great time, especially with all the madness. You should feel proud of it!
Rosa – Fitness Food Fulfilled recently posted..After Dinner Desserts
thanks rosa! i loved your blog, you seriously rocked it
I am so proud of you that you finished the race despite all the tribulation! You still posted a great time! Chalk this one up to experience; I think if you can walk away learning something from it, then it was a win! Also, I am with you on the whole mental thing. I’m reading a couple of books right now that have been helping me with it. I can share with you if you like.
that would be amazing. let’s talk this weekend
Courtney, you did an amazing job, able to make it 2:01 with all the walking and bathroom breaks. I’m very proud of you. I car relate to alot of the said feelings. I just ran a 10k in Agoura Hills, and I thought I’m a superstar and started off running sub 8 min mile (mind you, I usually run 10 min/mile), breathing started to be labored at mile 1, that’s right, the very friggin first mile!! I started to think about DNF at that point!! I read one of Page’s post, can’t remember which one, but I teared me up, and I try to think of my grandma, and it gives me strength to run. (also helps to know that I’m not Page, I need to slow down!!). You know you have it in you, if you can sub2 at big sur, you are definitely fast. You can do it!!!
thanks so much! and dude, thanks for commenting on my blog so i can find yours! it’s so cute. we’re having a bay area blogger meetup on saturdya, i’d love you to come! https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=118686584903987
That’s still a pretty fabulous time! Celebrate that, even if you didn’t feel your best mentally/physically. Just being able to run 13.1 is an accomplishment in itself. I’m sure you’ll be back to feeling like yourself before you know it!
Kristine @ Running on Hungry recently posted..The Best Sunday
thanks kristine! it probably would’ve gone way better if i could have run with you again!
WOW! Look at all those people you got to party with at Flames — how fun!! I’m sorry you didn’t have the best race, but all of these are learning experiences.
Now you probably know what you need to do for next time (NWM!!?? Does that even count?), but I hope you see that you really did kick ass at this race, all things considered. I’m happy you were able to take my bib & I hope you enjoyed yourself! 
WEEEEEE!
Alyssa recently posted..From Stationary Spectating to Mobile Spectating
i don’t know if NWM counts but i know its going to be FUN!
“Running is supposed to be fun, and running a 2:01 half marathon, a few minutes slower than I ideally may have wanted, is NOT a failure.” I think you summed up one of the lessons right there.
I beat myself up quite a bit when I bonked the Santa Rosa half in August. But you know what? I did learn from that race, and when I look back on it, I see the good things. You went out and ran more than 13 miles — something most people don’t do. You did not get hurt — which means you can keep running. You learned a few things — and life is all about learning. I’d call that a win. And 2:01 is more than respectable!!
Layla recently posted..Hiking Mt. Diablo
thanks layla! i know you and so many people have been there. i’m determined to make the next one count! well maybe not nike because that’s a fun run… but the one after that
It sounds like you’ve already done a great job of thinking through what went well & the reasons for the things that didn’t go the way you wanted, which is ALWAYS the right response to a disappointing race (which we definitely all have…in fact, SJRNR was that race for me last year).
Hah…I was seriously thinking, “Oh, but she felt awful and walked a lot and stopped twice and was barely three minutes off her PR!! That’s so great!” pretty much right before the part where you wrote exactly that. Something I’ve learned a lot about through teaching (and running) is that we can’t control our feelings — all we can control is how we respond to & deal with those feelings. That’s why I think it’s so great that you stopped to question why you felt deflated after actually doing something pretty impressive and concluded that, regardless of what your emotions were telling you (and emotions get really weird after a run, amirite), you know that you stayed tough and did a pretty good job with a less than ideal situation.
Congrats on finishing with a good time & powering through! Nice work!
thanks angela! it’s so true, everything is a learning experience. i guess that’s why we don’t get bored with running even though it just comes down to putting one foot in front of the other.
Great pics! Love the one of us
It is interesting how well you did considering all the breaks you took… I bet you rock Nike!!! I ended up doing better at Nike than at SJRnR when I ran them both in 2008. Probably the same will be true for you!
Audrey recently posted..Off on the Wrong Foot!
haha we’ll see. nike i am just so excited to have FUN with everyone!!!
You should feel so good that you finished! Not to mention in 2:01!! You wanted to quit but you kept going that takes so much some times! Awesome job girl! You are seriously inspiring, never forget that!
Jane @ Broccolini + Cheese recently posted..Crockpot Productivity.
Thanks jane!! really hope i get to meet you on sat!
Not a bad time at all! 2:01 is great- and hey I have the smallest bladder in the universe so that would be my big fear about doing a marathon…that I would have to pee AT LEAST 3 or 4 times :/
It sounds like things were a little jumbled (with going to bed late/not properly fueling/etc) which may have contributed to your disappointment. But hey, you didn’t give up- made it to the end with a great time and I’m sure next time will be even better
Sara K recently posted..Gone in Sixty Hours: Classy in Portland Part 2
thanks sarah! yeah just add ten minutes for potty stops. that’s what i am doing next time
Courtney, look at that sparkly medal!
I’m sorry you felt so defeated during the race. I hate when we start playing mind games with ourselves! You finished with a VERY respectable/AWESOME time that I, for one, think you should be uber proud about. Of course it’s not your best time ever, but let’s be honest…not every race can be our best in terms of time – that’s just how it works out sometimes. I think you rocked it – especially considering your late night + beer consumption!
Courtney @ The Granola Chronicles recently posted..Popular Produce
thanks court
can’t wait to hang out on saturday!
Yay for finishing, BOOOOOOOO for dumb trees beating our Bruins!
Christine @ BookishlyB recently posted..Together We Can Make a Difference
I know right?? I thought Stanford was supposed to suck.
Awesome that you went to the UCLA-Stanford game! Did you go to UCLA? I was there as well, but I was going for the other team, haha I tailgate with this group for every Stanford game:
http://www.tobythevan.com/blog/
Even though the race didn’t seem to go perfect, I think you are beating yourself up about it too much. You seemed to run it on almost zero notice, which it’s hard to get mentally and physically ready. Simply the beers the day before I think contributed to your race time not going as well. I notice that if I drink the night before my heartrate is just higher the next day, and I have a harder time breathing too while running. Add in the bad food and lack of sleep the night before, and you have why you didn’t feel as good on Sunday during the race.
I actually went to the race expo on Sat too, but didn’t due the race due to injury. I did it last year, and it was probably my favorite race atmosphere of any race I’ve ever done – loved all the crowd support and cheering.
About your post before this – sorry to that September didn’t go as well as you hoped. I did love the Green Day song reference though =)
Nelly recently posted..Home is where the run is
Are you kidding? You did GREAT! A half marathon at any pace is an accomplishment, and to have only missed a PR because of a bathroom break should be encouraging, if anything! I ran a half in May (my only one to date), and I also questioned a lot about my running abilities during the race, but crossing the finish line was the validation I needed that I did have a right to be out there and I was perfectly capable of finishing. The fact that you battled the mental side of running and WON is all that matters! Congrats!
Kathryn @ Flopoodle recently posted..Sweet WIAW
I hate that feeling of defeat. But you still did great. My last half was 8 or 9 minutes behind the time of my first one. It was a shitty feeling. But when there are a million things going on in your life, along with the stress (good and bad) that comes with it? Things happen. Whatev- you’ll kill the next one.
Plus side? You finished yet another race to be proud of and got a sweet medal!
Amy B @ Second City Randomness recently posted..Tuesday Quickie
2:01 WITH all of the mental anguish and stops? That’s still a FANTASTIC time. But you’re right, it becomes a vicious mind game. But keep your head up, we all have those races and I think it’s so we can only go one place: up.
Congrats on the finish and still getting some quality time with friends!
Page recently posted..Hello from Boston!
Hi there ! Looks like we had similar goals and results. I only barely managed to stay out of a porta potty – and still not sure how. I was actually disappointed in the race as well — I hate when things start well and then go down hill for no apparent reason. It is very hard to stay mentally in the game when that happens — no words of wisdom since I’ve only been doing this about a year and a half now I’m trying to figure it all out.
On to the next race!