September is over.
September has brought some really fun stuff in its four short weeks.
I made a whole bunch of jam.
There were a lot of other highlights that didn’t make the blog.
But, I’m going to be totally honest here. September was a REALLY, really rough month for me.
I have my moments of musing and ramblings but I try to keep my blog generally positive and happy. Which is fine, so long as it’s honest. But pretending like things have been great lately would not be honest. Because they haven’t been great.
I have been really, really stressed. I wake almost every night drenched in sweat and hyperventilating from some nightmare. I’ve been emotional in ways I am normally not. Some days at the office I’ve had to bite my tongue to keep from crying OR from screaming. I’ve bawled to friends or family on the phone multiple times. None of these are normal.
My personal life has been a bit hard to keep tabs on. Work/life balance remains a struggle, and behind exhausted all the time lends itself to being a hermit and there’s nothing worse than having a long, stressful day only to go home and sit in your tiny apartment by yourself. I am someone who thinks too much. I need distractions and happy and positive people in my life. Some of my friendships have faltered this month, some things were my fault, and some things I fail to understand. And I haven’t had the emotional energy to deal with it the right way.
Running has been hard because I’ve been tired and sleeping through my alarms. And running is an escape of sorts, but when my brain isn’t able to turn off and zone out, a six mile jog becomes a mental marathon to get through.
And body image and stuff remains a challenge. I have toyed with going back to eating meat but haven’t been able to yet. I make healthy choices but then I snack out of boredom or stress constantly. I can’t fit in clothes I’ve been wearing for nine years.
This month has just kind of been a black pit.
But it’s over.
October brings new chances, new changes. A time to start over. A time to reprioritize. When I wake up tomorrow nothing will have changed, nothing real or tangible.
But I hope I remember that each day I wake up I have a choice. A choice to love my body and thus give it the respect and care it deserves. A choice to let things stress me out and affect my life that shouldn’t. a choice to live each day fully and joyfully.
I’ve got big goals and plans for October but I’ll let that stand as another post. Until then, good riddance, September. May your happy memories stay with me and your darker moments serve as a reminder when things get rough. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m putting this month behind me and, like my mom says, choosing hope.
How was your september?