Wake Me Up When September Ends.

September is over.

September has brought some really fun stuff in its four short weeks.

I had an awesome Labor Day weekend.

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I spent a week in Utah.

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I made a whole bunch of jam.

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I hung out with other bloggers.

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I cheered friends at a marathon.

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There were a lot of other highlights that didn’t make the blog.

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But, I’m going to be totally honest here. September was a REALLY, really rough month for me.

I have my moments of musing and ramblings but I try to keep my blog generally positive and happy. Which is fine, so long as it’s honest. But pretending like things have been great lately would not be honest. Because they haven’t been great.

I have been really, really stressed. I wake almost every night drenched in sweat and hyperventilating from some nightmare. I’ve been emotional in ways I am normally not. Some days at the office I’ve had to bite my tongue to keep from crying OR from screaming. I’ve bawled to friends or family on the phone multiple times. None of these are normal.

My personal life has been a bit hard to keep tabs on. Work/life balance remains a struggle, and behind exhausted all the time lends itself to being a hermit and there’s nothing worse than having a long, stressful day only to go home and sit in your tiny apartment by yourself. I am someone who thinks too much. I need distractions and happy and positive people in my life. Some of my friendships have faltered this month, some things were my fault, and some things I fail to understand. And I haven’t had the emotional energy to deal with it the right way.

Running has been hard because I’ve been tired and sleeping through my alarms. And running is an escape of sorts, but when my brain isn’t able to turn off and zone out, a six mile jog becomes a mental marathon to get through.

And body image and stuff remains a challenge. I have toyed with going back to eating meat but haven’t been able to yet. I make healthy choices but then I snack out of boredom or stress constantly. I can’t fit in clothes I’ve been wearing for nine years.

This month has just kind of been a black pit.

But it’s over.

October brings new chances, new changes. A time to start over. A time to reprioritize. When I wake up tomorrow nothing will have changed, nothing real or tangible.

But I hope I remember that each day I wake up I have a choice. A choice to love my body and thus give it the respect and care it deserves. A choice to let things stress me out and affect my life that shouldn’t. a choice to live each day fully and joyfully.

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I’ve got big goals and plans for October but I’ll let that stand as another post. Until then, good riddance, September. May your happy memories stay with me and your darker moments serve as a reminder when things get rough. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m putting this month behind me and, like my mom says, choosing hope.

How was your september?

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    1. I’ve been dealing with the whole “being positive” thing in my blog, but also in life for years. Sometimes you just need to vent, and the people who truly love you will understand that and help you through it. Also, as a reader it’s nice to hear that other people go through similar hardships. So don’t feel like you always have to be positive, because it can really take a toll on you! Happy October!
      Jaclyn @thejaxoflife recently posted..I suffer from Indecision, but I decided to make healthy fried rice and oatmeal bruleeMy Profile

    2. Hey,

      Sorry things have been rough. I know what you mean about going home to your tiny apartment to sit alone with your feelings and how crappy it feels. I do it all of the time. I also have been having problems with nightmares for the last month or two. I’ve never had this problem before, but for the last several weeks, every single dream I’ve had has been negative and I’ve woken up upset. I don’t know what’s up. =\

      Chin up though…as you say, it’s a new month! Let’s see if we can make it any better.

      By the way, that’s the cave near the Cliff House, right?

      –alexa
      Alexa @ The Girl In Chucks recently posted..10 YearsMy Profile

    3. Sorry to hear you had such a rough month, I hope October is better for you!

      Have you considered cutting way back on the running r.e. the weight thing? After my half-marathon next weekend I am cutting WAY back on my running for the rest of Oct – end of December and focusing more on things like yoga and strength training. I’ll probably aim to run about 15 miles a week max during that time. I want to see if this works for me because I have struggled to lose the last 10 pounds for almost TWO years now (almost the same amount of time I’ve been running) and I find that on days when I run long it’s almost impossible to tame my hunger.

      Anyways, just a thought. Sending hugs! Cheers to a new month :)
      Amber from Girl with the Red Hair recently posted..Why can’t we play nice?My Profile

    4. as sept is my bday month, i hate for it to be bad to anyone! :) but i do hope you have a great october, with just as many good eats as in sept!
      ashley recently posted..my knees hate me and i’m sad.My Profile

    5. I’m so sorry to hear that this past month has been a struggle for you, Courtney! I feel like we all have those months from time to time….where it’s all so overwhelming and it’s hard to focus on the positives. I think your amazing resilience will carry you beyond this particularly phase in your life. I think that what’s most important to focus on, and it’s something that you brought up in your post, is that hope is a choice. Happiness is a decision, and it’s not always an easy thing to achieve happiness. The mere fact that you are aware that happiness doesn’t always come easily speaks volumes to your self-awareness and maturity. You will get to that happy place, I have no doubt. It just will take conscious effort and perhaps a re-evaluation of the current state of your life. It often sounds as though you have a zillion things going on at once, and perhaps it would be a good idea to pare down all the things you’re involved with? Simplify your life for a while until you feel you’ve again achieved equilibrium? Either way, I’m sure you’ll come to a conclusion that makes sense for you. Best of luck moving upward and onward during the month of October! I can sense better things are on the horizon already….:)

    6. September was hard for me too! Let’s hope October is awesome!!
      Jane @ Broccolini + Cheese recently posted..Happy Birthday to Me!My Profile

      • trip shit is.. these females are spseoupd to be exotic, but you see em so much nowadays that its nuthin! anybody over the age of 13, maybe 15 will most likely be unimpressed.. smh

    7. I almost feel like i wrote this. I hope this rough patch is over, remember you can do it though!! Let’s make October and the rest of the year awesome! :)
      hippierunner recently posted..Malibu Canyon Dirt Dash 2011My Profile

    8. Oh man, I am just getting caught up on my blog reading now and wish I had read this before I saw you today. Earlier this year I went through a major struggle with work/life balance. I got some really good advice about it that I’d be happy to share if you’re interested.

      That being said, I appreciate all the fun times that I had with you in September, and looking forward to more this month!

    9. Hope your October is off to a good start! I think we all go through periods like this from time to time. Drawing work / life boundaries is definitely one of the toughest issues I’ve dealt with in my adult life. And of course everything tends to suck (and make you more emotional) when you’re exhausted. Hang in there?
      Angela @ SF Road Warrior recently posted..Week In Review: Sept 26 – Oct 2My Profile

    10. The other day, I read a blog post that mentioned an article about depression. I’m not saying you’re depressed, and I am also not depressed, but it did say something that struck a chord with me: The months of March and September are often hardest for people because the daylight is changing and messing with the body. This especially makes sense with September in San Francisco: That’s when summer has truly arrived in glorious fashion, but WHAM, the daylight starts shrinking. There’s nothing that can be done to make the sun stay around longer, but I think it helps to know this is a factor.

      You’ve also got a pretty crazy work schedule, so of course you felt overwhelmed. But no matter what, true friends will remain, and will understand if work and life are a bit much. Take a deep breath, don’t worry about tomorrow, and have a FANTASTIC October.
      Layla recently posted..Hiking Mt. DiabloMy Profile

      • so true. that definitely strikes a chord with me too especially after living in LA and Africa for so long… i need some sun. and maybe a vacation. :)

    11. I’m so sorry to hear that this has been a really rough month :( I think it is sometimes hard to strike the balance between work and life and I’ve often felt like you can’t have your relationship, your work, and your friends/family functioning perfectly all at the same time, it seems like something always has to give but I don’t want to believe that that is actually true.

      Anyway, cheers to a MUCH better October. Shut the door on September and start enjoying life!
      Kathryn @ Flopoodle recently posted..Flopoodle: Weekend EditionMy Profile

      • it is so true. i dont want to believe that something hsa to give either! i guess it’s all about prioritizing and i’m still working on that. :) october is going to be so much better.

        have a great day and hope to meet you on saturday! :)

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