Transitions.

I’m tired.

I always talk about how I will never complain about being MIA on the blog, which is perhaps as bad (or worse) as actually complaining about “being MIA.” (While I too feel the urge to apologize my way out of a pretty silent week in the blogosphere, I simultaneously find it self-indulgent that we all somewhat subconsciously seem to think that the blog world will be sad when we prioritize the real world over it for a few weeks… or days… or hours. Real world should always come first.)

But the “Real World” has been coming on MUCH too strong for me these days. As evidenced by the blog silence. (Readies herself for self-indulgent rant about coldhearted corporations): I haven’t had internet in my apartment since I moved in. I was supposed to get it over a week ago, but when it didn’t come I contacted AT&T and was told that my order had been canceled. By who, they couldn’t tell me. But now I had to wait another week minimum. And they then “replaced my order”, with an order I found out soon thereafter was twice as much as my original order. Basically, six customer service people later, I still don’t have internet, and I’m at my office at 8PM just to break the blog silence when all I really want to do is hang out in my apartment. Plus, I don’t have cell reception at home. Literally. I can get and send texts sometimes, but I cannot receive or make a call (or check NextBus in the morning until I leave the house, which kind of defeats the point). I can buy an AT&T MicroCell for a cool $150, but not until I have internet. The circular problem continues. I am really sick of not being able to make phone calls or do work. Plus I have to work at night sometimes which has already resulted in being at the office at 9PM. I am really sick of being disconnected—it was fun in Africa but it is SO not fun in San Francisco.

End Rant.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Cathartic, seriously. I want to blog, all the time, but I just haven’t been able to. I have reviews and giveaways to post and a ton of stuff backed up and I just can’t right now. Powerless feeling.

The last month has really been a learning experience in terms of how precious time is. At UCLA, I was running around constantly. In Africa, I had too much time. Way too much. But I also learned what was important to me to fill out that time: time with friends, time with God, cooking and exercising. Eight hours of sleep. My favorite things.

How am I doing in SF? There’s time, but how to spread it out is the challenge. Friends are great. I have been able to see a lot of buddies and feel very socially stimulated. Great. But everything else? My daily quiet times with God that I was doing a great time maintaining while bored and unemployed have flown out the window. My 6 days a week of intense exercise has flown out the window in exchange for fattening happy hour appetizers and beer. Speaking of cooking, I’m a self-proclaimed foodie who loves to cook. I moved into my apartment 16 days ago. Today I cooked the first thing in my apartment. Check it out:

Yes, that is the first thing I have “cooked” in 16 days. What the hell have I been eating?? I don’t even know! Protein and clif bars for meal after meal after meal. Overpriced food near my office for lunch. I couldn’t even tell you what I’ve been eating. That is terrifying. My health is so, so important to me and it affects my energy so much, and I don’t even know what I have been putting into my mouth. I feel sluggish and gross.

Exercising every day has become something of a dream. It doesn’t happen. It’s going to happen today, but it comes as a sacrifice. Instead of going home and having a night in and cooking a nutritious dinner, I gorged myself on chips and salsa at happy hour for “dinner” and will go at the gym to workout at 9, get home at 11, shower and get into bed only to wake up at 5:30am so I can run before work.

Maybe this weekend I can relax. Maybe this Christmas.

My to-do list grows, from inconsequential things such as “print pictures!” to bigger-deal things like bills, cussing out AT&T reps and attempting to defer graduate school admissions. I just found out I got into the London School of Economics, and also into George Washington University and American University and got generous fellowship offers at both schools. I’m not going. I belong here. Though the instability and current dreamlike status of this new life I’m just trying to figure out how to get into, like trying to zip up a dress that just doesn’t quite fit, leaves me somewhat confused and overwhelmed by the world. I want to fully experience it, I want to feel like I LIVE here, that I’m not just passing through like a wisp of San Francisco fog, that gives way to the sunny day and leaves you wondering if it was ever really there.

I’ve been back in America for three months now and what a transition it has been. Sometimes it seems like I have been gone for forever, when I’m able to charge a pack of gum on my credit card and walk into one big store and know that it has everything. But yet remnants of Africa persist, when I don’t bring my ID out to the bars, when I think of words in Portuguese first, when I leave voicemails festering for weeks because I forget I have it and it truthfully kind of scares me, when I start thinking about leaving around the time that I was supposed to already be there, when I used to be punctual.

I love my job and the people that I work with, but it too sometimes leaves me feeling in a daze. Everything is so big, so new. The more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know, and it leaves my mind aching as I try as hard as I can to find my place.

Instead of spending my, well, second actual weekend in my apartment, I went to LA. I was in the airport for as many hours as I spent sleeping. I saw friends, both best friends and friendly faces that I hadn’t seen in three years. It’s weird, these moments, when your past life interjects into your present, a welcome interruption, yet leaves you feeling confused. LA is still home, but is it? San Francisco, Sacramento, LA, Africa… these places all have a part of me. But none of them are me. I can exist happily in many places, but I don’t feel I’ve truly found my niche, or hit my peak in life. I’m okay with that. The best truly is yet to come.

LA reminded me of something though. That no matter where you are in life, your best friends are going to be there. It’s okay if you saw them yesterday or five years ago.

I ran 20 miles on Sunday for marathon training. I’ve made it this far without a rainy day, narrowly escaping on my 18-miler last week. No more. 14 rainy miles later, I saw the sun. I ran through all the old spots—brentwood, santa monica, venice beach, marina del rey. When I moved out of this city I wasn’t a runner. Now I am. It’s nice to see change. Marathon training does give you that. My first “long run” for training was 7 miles. This one was 20. It was easier than the first.

The run was cold but easy. I wanted to run longer just because, but I had a friend to meet up with, and that was more important.

More important.

I’m tired right now. I’m not blogging. I’m not sleeping enough. I’m not spending enough time journaling or reflecting or in prayer. I’m not cooking or eating as healthfully as I normally do. I’m not balanced, that constant quest for the perfect in-between that never seems attainable.

I haven’t found that right now. But what I’ve realized is that sometimes other things are more important.

You need to make time for yourself, true. And prioritize your time. But sometimes you need to go to brunch three times in thirty-six hours and declare it a great success.

Despite everything going on right now, there is one thing I can say right now:

I am unspeakably happy.

Tired, poorly nourished, and overworked/underrested aside, there is something beautiful about a new chapter in life. Sometimes it’s more important to ride the wave, even if it’s unbalanced, even if you’re tired, even if you don’t have time for everything you wished you did.

[source storypeople.com]

There’s a quote I heard that said,

“everything changed the moment she realized there was exactly enough time for everything that was important in her life.”

I don’t know if I fully agree with that—I’d love a few more hours in the day—but the point remains. Time is precious. Use it wisely. Even if that means using it unwisely.

I’ll be in and out in my period of disconnection. But I love you all.

Courtney

What do you spend your time on? What do you wish you had more time for?

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