A whole week without a post!
This doesn’t happen much, but I’m also really glad I started blogging in Africa, because I know 100% that no one dies if you don’t update your blog for awhile, people’s normal lives continue and no one really gives a crap if you’ve been “M.I.A.” (except maybe my mom… hi, mom.)
I’ve been thinking about running a lot lately. And how I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with running, but lately I’ve been viewing it as both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because… well, ask anyone who runs. It’s a blessing because it allows your body to do what it’s meant to do, to run and move and fly, to feel strong and alive as the wind pummels you. It’s so simple—just put one foot in front of the other, and then repeat. But it’s also so hard, as anyone who’s trained for a race, worked through an injury, or just had to be alone in their own head on a long run can tell you. Some days are amazing, when you feel untouchable, tireless and strong. Other days you can barely get through a few minutes before longing for the end. It’s predictable yet unpredictable, relaxing and stressful, relaxing and energizing, all at the same time.
Running has been a blessing for me in Africa because it has allowed me to rejoice in my body. Hundreds of hours in my bedroom doing workout DVDs can never compare to a run where I feel my legs pounding the ground, getting stronger, feel myself running just a little bit faster, take pride in being able to go just a little bit farther. It’s a blessing because it gives me confidence. Even if I am slogging at a snail’s pace, how dare I be unsatisfied with my body when it can carry me up large hills or through hours without stopping? It makes me feel strong and powerful. It’s also “me” time.
[source]I do not run well with others.
I really want to change this, because not only can running be a great time to socialize with like-minded friends and family, but it’s also great to push yourself during training with a buddy. But I suck at it. I think it’s insecurity, mostly, because I run really slow so running with someone else means most likely that I am A. going to be feeling like I want to die before the first mile is gone and B. that someone else is probably going to want to talk and since I’m already wheezing and groaning and feeling like my heart is about to pop out of my chest, I’d rather not make conversation, making me just a slow and silent running partner. But that’s neither here nor there. It has been a solo adventure for me, a date with my own mind and heart.
Running is a time for me to think. Sometimes I escape to a far away place; other time I’m poring over current issues, emotions and feelings. But no matter what, after a run, I ALWAYS feel better. I feel in touch with nature, as I run “unplugged”—no running gear for me. While this is difficult at times (I have no idea if I have been running 9- or 12- minute miles for these whole two years…) it is good because I don’t want to be thinking about my mile splits or my pace or my aerobic intervals. I just want to RUN.
[source]While running has been a blessing to me over my years in Africa, it has also been a curse. I claim to run to de-stress, but running here can, contradictorily, prove to be very stressful. Ask anyone who has tried to be a runner in an African village before.
I am apparently the funniest and/or weirdest thing that anyone has ever seen. Even though they see me a couple of times a week.
I run to escape the world, but that doesn’t happen here. EVERY (yes, every) time I run in my town at least one of the following things happens:
- A huge group of market vendors/children walking to school/construction men painting or building something/electricity guys installing power lines/people selling bread or bananas/group of women carrying fifty pounds of stuff on their heads stops whatever they are doing… in their tracks… to stare at me. Until I’m far past them.
- Said group starts hooting and hollering at me. This usually starts with one or two dudes and then builds to fever pitch before I can get past them.
- A group of children (or even adults) decides that I look really funny and starts intimidating me, in front of me, to make all their friends laugh. This is usually some version of the chicken dance, where the chicken lacks motor control, is somewhat physically disabled and incredibly drunk.
- Someone decides that they are faster than me and decides to run behind me chasing me… or run past, stop and wait for me to catch up, repeat process, while people point and laugh.
- Dogs decide that they want to accompany by snapping at my heels and jumping on my back.
- Children decide that they want to accompany me by grabbing at my feet and shorts. This is where I admit I have tried (unsuccessfully) to drop kick a child before.
- Cars, which will happily drive on the wrong side of the road if it means one less pothole prefer to drive so close to me (despite there being NO other traffic) that I’m pretty sure some of my arm hair singes off.
- Artisans try to stop me to sell me paintings, or vendors selling cell phone airtime jump in front of me. Yes, I am sweating and panting and breathing heavy and clearly all I want to do right now is buy cell phone credit/buy a hideous fake oil painting/give you money because I’m clearly really wealthy on my volunteer salary and have my wallet on me and I like to run around handing out my riches.
Suffice it to say that sometimes running is not as relaxing and stress-relieving as it should be.
Some people fantasize about a beautiful beach to run along. I have that. I fantasize about running in peace. I’ve had a few amazing runs on the beach without another soul, but that just doesn’t happen in my own town.
The other running “hardship” I have encountered is the utter destruction of my running shoes. Not only have I been running in them for two years, I’ve also been doing cross training workouts in them almost every day, and wore them hiking, exploring, and on several vacations. They are dead.
[source]They are starting to fall apart, they offer no traction to the point where I can’t even do push ups in them anymore because my toes slip, my pinkie toes are about to bust out through the toebox, I get new blisters in new places after every short run, and I feel every pebble under my foot.
It’s gotten to the point that I don’t know what’s worse: running in my shoes or not running at all. Running in my shoes is NOT helping. Everything hurts. Especially because I already have problems in my right knee, hip, and IT band, and am developing something in my left heel. I was diligently and responsibly adding mileage from March through August, working my way up to several 3-hour plus runs. But then my body screamed back: CHEGA! (“Enough” in Moz-speak). So I started over. Quietly. Trying to listen to my body. Because getting injured won’t help me in the marathon I hope to run.
[source]If I stop running until I can get new shoes, I cancel out everything. I’ll get home just in time to start marathon training—and my knees and hips won’t let me. I won’t make it through the first week without an injury and so-long, marathon dreams.
But my shoes, well, every run gets worse. Today I was at minute 35 of a one-hour slow jog and I wanted to quit. I felt the hit of each step on the balls of my feet. They were sore. My heel hurt. I was barely running. I just wanted to quit. I started doubting myself. Just two months ago I was on an 18-mile run, today I can’t even jog half an hour without wanting to die, and I kid myself that I’m going to run a MARATHON in the spring? How ridiculous and pathetic. I should just quit now.
Then I saw something that changed everything. As I ran jogged limped towards home, I saw what I thought was a child approaching. As I neared, I realized it was a grown woman—with legs so deformed that they were shriveled up beneath her.
She was inching her way down the road, to her unknown destination, on her hands.
I slowed as I passed her. Our eyes met, and her expression contained no envy, no bitterness, just a quiet, resigned type of acceptance of her fate, that carried her onwards.
I however, felt like I was hit by a truck. I sit around complaining about the men who holler at me and the kids who laugh and IF ONLY I had good shoes or IF ONLY the sand wasn’t so deep it wouldn’t hurt my knees like this and IF ONLY I was faster…
The fact is, I AM BLESSED. Running is a privilege.
My body may be slow, but it is strong. My shoes may be old, but they protect my feet. The sand may be deep, but the view is beautiful. And I CAN RUN.
[source]As of today my reason for running, despite the frustrations I have experienced recently, has become only this:
I run because I can.
And from now on, THAT is going to be enough.
Why do you run?
Any advice on the shoes? Run in them or quit for a month or so?
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Wow, Courtney, I absolutely love this post. Thank you for starting my day off so great
First off, you’re right. not blogging is not the end of the world. I myself haven’t blogged in 2 weeks because I had things to do, and more importantly, people to see. I blog for fun, and if it starts feeling like work…then maybe I needed a break.
Secondly, I run to clear my head. Like you, I don’t know how fast I’m running. I run my loops planned out in the neighborhood so I know the distance, or in the park, but whether I’m running a 12 minute or 9 minute mile I could care less. And I used to really really want to build up my distance to run a marathon, but I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that my body and mind prefer shorter distances.
So I run for exercise but also for mental health.
And I vote for….taking off for a month because of your shoes. This is completely just my opinion, but why risk injuring yourself and that could take who knows how long to heal?
WOW. All I can say. I was nodding my head in agreement to so many of the things you mentioned.
At the end of whatever it is we are running to, from or through, we should be thankful that we have two solid legs to get us from one place to the next.
This was a tough read since I LOVE running and haven’t been able to for like 2 months b/c I messed up my knee. You’ll have to run enough for the both of us
What size shoe do you wear? I can send you a pair that I don’t run in anymore, but are barely used! I’d love to help out!
Great post.
dude, thank you so much for your amazing offer! that is seriously so sweet and made my day! luckily, i’ll be in south africa in just around a month and *should* (fingers crossed) be able to buy them there… and unfortunately that’s less time than the mozambican mail system takes. haha. but seriously thanks so much for offering, it is so kind of you.
I second Heather! I wear either a 9/9.5 but would be happy to send a pair that just bother my feet. I also just have to take a step back and thank you for writing this post. I know you read mine about the struggles I was facing in training for a half. But it means nothing, because even if I dont run that race I will still have my legs, my body, my mind in one piece. I think that my biggest challenge is that I dont love running like I used to. I want to love it again, I want it to be my piece of freedom. I hope I feel that way again in the spring.
alex! THANK YOU! you are amazing and so generous to offer that. seriously these comments made my day. thanks. luckily i should be able to buy some in a month or so which is less time than it would take to mail something… crazy.
and i’ve fallen off the running wagon many times in my life, where i just stop enjoying it. my advice? stop running. life’s too short to try to force ourselves into things when maybe its not the right time for it. do other things. indulge other passions. it’ll find you again.
I’m glad you’re back:)
I run because it’s something that frees me. I know I can work hard at it and improve. It pushes my limits:)
Excellent post. You are a lot braver than me because I would freak out with dogs/children/villagers running after/mocking me during the run and just quit altogether. I like how you put it into perspective at the end. Oftentimes we take so much for granted- it’s nice to have a reminder that things are really great.
As for running, if my shoes were causing me that much pain I would stop. It is hard because you don’t want to lose endurance but if you get seriously injured you would have to take even more time off!
id rather run than blog when i think about it hehe. im a solo runner too, but of course i make exceptions for my mom and dad.. but i definitely cant zone out and get into a good pace when im running beside someone. i also have a hard time tuning out their breathing versus my own.. i think it messes me up because of it.
omg u and me BOTH NEED TO FIND SOME GOOD SHOES!! the pair i have right now is so painful too.. definitely said many times “i might as well go barefoot, cuz at least then id already know i’ll get blisters and sore feet” LOL
xoxo
get some new shoes girl!!! and i like running with my mommy, too. i think she’s doing part of the marathon with me… i hope
mmm great post. thanks courtney. i experienced some of the same things while running in cameroon. is there anywhere you can run barefoot? (safely) that might be an option to consider…
done some epic barefoot beach runs… in other towns. here, when the tide’s up, there is no beach, and when it’s down, it’s rocks and coral. hooray!
but maybe i can search out another spot…
hahahaha that’s hilarious!!
there’s always something to talk about when you come home from a run !! makes running interesting !!
Amen sister.
I just ran my first half this week and have gained a new appreciation for the joys and pains of running. I wouldn’t trade the feeling of crossing the finish line from the world but getting there was excruciating. And still I want to do it again. Because when everything is in synch it’s absolutely magical.
As for the shoes – I think running with worn out shoes is potentially risking an injury.
I love that you appreciate running for all the reasons that you do. It’s fantastic.
And don’t feel bad about not running with someone. I prefer to do it alone, too. Then you can control everything.
And that’s why I enjoy it as my sport more than anything…
and here i thought I was the funniest runner anyone’s ever seen!! (i run like Pheobe from Friends. seriously.) lol…you may have me beat though, awesome story!
i guess i run for a few different reasons. like, 1) it helps me manage my weight. 2) it makes me feel tough. 3) it’s a great stress reliever. 4) it’s just plain fun. i think what you said was spot-on: running is a privilege. i feel very blessed to be able to do so.
i think new shoes are in order, girl. for some reason, i feel like everything is going to work out for you
You summed it up best…I run because I can. I run because it makes me feel strong. I run because it leads me further down a path toward self-fulfillment. I run because it gives me a sense of peace, security, and satisfaction. I run because running is a designated time for me and me alone. Running is an escape, a release, and a source of inspiration for me!
P.S. I suck at running with others too. I get all anxious and apologetic whenever I do happen to have someone else to run with because I hate the idea that they’re annoyed with my slowness. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that we are “lone runners”. It’s our time to just focus on ourselves, and that’s a great thing.
Then again, I wouldn’t have minded some company on some of my 3+ hr runs. It gets boring after about two hours without anyone to chat with. Lol.
that post was incredibly inspiring! thank you!!
Okay seriously though? The part about drop-kicking a child was FREAKING hilarious. And while the tears of laughter were rolling down my face you hit me with a double-whammy when you described how people try to sell you stuff as you run past. Classic.
Thank you for giving me a very thorough ab workout this morning.
What an inspiring post! Its so important to think of all the things we ‘have’ to do as things that we are lucky enough to ‘get’ to do.
I LOVE your posts! I also cannot run with other people. I can’t talk because then I am too out of breath, and I don’t like it because either they are going too fast for me and I feel like I have to keep up even though I’m about to die, or I feel like I have to stay there pace so that they don’t feel bad that I am running fast. When I am at home I also always run “unplugged”. I love it. I like not knowing how fast or how long I’ve been running. When we had a dog I also felt so much more connected to him when I ran without an iPod etc. But when I go to the gym I have to have my iPod because I get so bored otherwise. So I love when I’m home and can run outside in the neighborhood! And yes, I also definitely have love/hate relationship with running, but no matter how much I don’t want to go when I am lounging around doing nothing, I ALWAYS feel better when I am done!
I see someone else suggested running barefoot, too: http://www.menshealth.com/men/fitness/motivation/longevity/article/3b4b1ca01e91c010VgnVCM10000013281eac (this article inspired me like crazy, too; it’s from a book called Born To Run)
Don’t give up on running!
that book, what i’ve read of it, is seriously awesome.
i’ve done a few barefoot runs but my town here is all rocky sand and the beach has coral–but i’ll give it another shot before i leave!
I backpacked around South America and Asia for the first 6 months of the year and was stared at, pointed at, cat-called, and honked at as I ran through villages and cities. It gets old for sure. Now I live in Charlottesville, VA and there is always someone out running, day or night, rain or shine.
Good for you for letting them stare and ultimately doing what you need to do!
Amen!
This post is inspiring on so many levels!! I love it. And I love your attitude about it all. I think so many people can relate to running being both a blessing and a curse…though the struggles I face on a run are nothing compared to your running adventures!
And I hate to say this but….if I were you I would probably stop running in those shoes. I’ve run on bad shoes for too long and suffered some pretty bad injuries as a result. I know it’s hard to think about losing all the stamina you’ve built up, but if you keep running, you could be out for longer than a month — which would be way worse in the end. And since you’ve been running so regularly, you’ll be able to build right up again pretty quickly! I don’t know…if you can get through a run without being in too much pain, that’s one thing. But if every step hurts, then maybe cross training would be better for now?
Anyway, thank you so much for this post and sharing your thoughts/experiences on running. It really is inspirational!!
Courtney, absolutely LOVED this post. There are SO many runners out there…some of them wannabe runners because it’s “in”, some for extreme fitness, some for the competition, and there are ppl like me who just do it because we want a private moment to ourselves. I run for very much the same reasons as you, though I don’t mind occasionally running with someone else who shares my pace.
Lovely sharp post. Never thought that it was this easy. Extolment to you!
I completely agree that running is a time for thinking and yes it always makes me feel better too.
BTW – is it worse that you tried to drop kick a child or worse that I almost peed my pants while reading that, hahaha
Hey Courtney! I realize this comment is waaaaay later than the date of your post, however I stumbled upon your blog when looking for PC volunteers’ running experiences at their host sites. I’m currently doing an internship down in Bolivia and I totally know what you’re talking about, I’m pretty sure I look either like the biggest freak anyone here has ever seen, or the most promiscuous one. I get some pretty sick nasty comments from the latin men down here and sometimes it’s discouraging. I don’t think they see many blonde people, not to mention running around the neighborhood for fun, though sometimes I’m legit being chased by a pack of dogs so I have to run. I eventually just had to get over it too, as especially being in a completely different foreign culture is sometimes stressful and running saves my life and I can pretty much say my sanity too haha. It was awesome to see that someone else knows exactly how liberating, necessary, and frustrating it is.
Anywaaaaaaays after that tangent…I’m going back and forth between finishing up my application for PC, just as I don’t really know what’s up with my future (cliche for a 22 year old I know), but your blog has definitely given me a good impression (though comical haha).
And so, I hope all is going well with you these days, hope you got an awesome new pair of shoes to run in, and thanks for your blog, I’m glad someone understands. =)