I need to get a weight off of my chest. I am faking it.
I am trying to be part of this healthy living foodie blog community, but I am living a lie. I thought I could continue the deception, but the weight of my deception is taking its toll (or maybe that’s the chocolate bars I have been eating in my sleep).
Please brace yourself for this:
I have never once tried or bought: almond milk, almond butter, any kind of nut butter besides peanut or cashew, chobani or oikos greek yogurt, stevia, tempeh, ezekiel or flatout products, a green monster, spaghetti squash, banana soft serve, quinoa, kabucha, Morningstar anything, Larabars, kale (raw or in chip form), carob, canned pumpkin, anything at the Whole Foods hot bar, protein powder.
PHEW. If you have fainted and fallen off of your computer chair, OR if you are so flabbergasted that you cannot even bear to look at my blog anymore, its okay. It’s been real, thanks for stopping by. Stay classy.
For the others to know: I started reading foodie blogs after I had already been in Africa for a year and these things above were never part of my life in LA before. If you are willing to accept me for what I am (A HUGE FAKER), I have quite a few more things to confess to you all, healthy blog world.
- I eat some sort of white carbs at almost every meal.
- Sometimes I add peanut butter to my OIAJ because I never manage to leave enough in the actual jar.
- I eat food that looks like cow cud: matapa, the national dish, and it is delish.
- I believe that licking a knife and/or wiping it on your jeans makes it clean.
- I know that expiration dates are merely guidelines (these chips from…2005?!), and so are the words “keep refrigerated.”
- I think that cutting off the moldy parts makes anything as good as new.
- I claim to be anti artificial sweeteners and often judge their use, but I continue to treat myself to a diet coke or crystal light on hot days and put splenda on my kettle korn.
- In my life, a big bowl of stovetop popcorn counts as dinner. And it is “good carbs”… right?
- I spend 50% of my $180 a month salary on food, because I have nothing else to spend it on.
- I have a complete inability now to say no to free food. If its there, I have to take it, and worse comes to worse I save it for later. There is nothing wrong with putting a little hamburger in a plastic bag and carrying it around in your purse.
- Some bloggers see things that look yummy and make healthy versions on their blogs. I take those healthy versions and make them unhealthy again because I don’t have anything necessary for the healthy swaps. I call it the perfect 360.
- Speaking of recipes, I love them but I don’t have most of the ingredients that bloggers use, so I email them to myself with the title and the word “recipe” in the subject line. Gmail automatically archives these into a folder, which I call my “recipes to try cooking when I move back to civilization and have access to a real store and kitchen folder.” There are 200 emails in there.
It is not all my fault, though (ALERT!!!SHIFTING BLAME!!!). Trying to become a foodie while living in Africa is tough! I have learned a lot, though. Some of my most poignant African foodie lessons learned have been…
- Flavorless cabbage, one tomato, and a whole bunch of mayonnaise and vegetable oil and chicken stock powder = salad.
- Calorie counting is difficult when the items being consumed are “half a chicken” or “pulpy green soup made with coconut milk, peanuts, chicken stock, leaves and God knows what else” (see above).
- Little bugs crawling through your rice/flour/oats/whatever serve as more protein. Yay!
- White bread with ketchup and mayo on it is considered a sandwich. So is white bread with leftover pasta/French fries/samoosas (fried triangles with mystery filling)/beijias (fried bean curd patties) in it.
- If a rat ate a chunk out of it, just cut off the clawed corner. Similarly, if rats, or the cat or dog WON´T eat it, you probably shouldn’t either.
- Hoarding food is completely acceptable, because who knows when you might see (brown rice/cereal/raisins/recognizable product) again?
- Some sort of bread with peanut butter can be breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, or dessert, and often several of those all on the same day.
- The Africa MSG philosophy, a direct quote from my friend: “Don’t ask don’t tell. If it tastes good I win.”
- Every part of the chicken must be eaten. Tendons, skin, and most of the small bones are easy to chew. There should only be a couple big bones left on your plate after you’ve eaten and those should be licked clean. If you leave anything else, you have failed. And don’t even bother trying to eat it with a fork.
- Similarly, I have learned how to eat a whole fish and leave a completely intact fish skeleton on my plate (plus the head. I am still not that hardcore).
- If the package has no nutrition info on it (meaning, the vast majority of Mozambican-produced goods), that means it is probably good for you. Especially all those cookies bragging to be “very high in energy!” and “great source of glucose!” (Or both… check out these Glucose “strength and energy!!!!” cookies…)
- Fakels (soft little white breads shaped like bagels), biscoitos (slightly sweet, scone-like thingys), cookies, bread, and rusks (british/South African tradition—highly caloric chunky biscotti/cookie mix to be dipped in tea) are all different food groups and part of a balanced diet.
The proceeding lessons have led to the development of my incredibly pithy and poignant Mozambique food philosophy, which can be summed up in so many words as:
- I do the best I can.
So my confessions and my life lessons might not have been as stimulating as Glee’s “confessions” mashup, but I hoped they provided a new insight into my life.
Got any confessions of your own?
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I am a definite lurker- if you look back a few weeks and you find a day in your stats where someone read all of your posts EVER, um, yeah, that’s me. Hi.
I don’t even know you, but someone linked to your blog one day and I was hooked.
I’m a so-called foodie that is too lazy to write a food blog but one day hopes to be a PCV. I love your blog for exactly what it is- if you blogged about almond butter and kale I would have stopped reading your blog after the first post. It seems that those are the only things the “foodie blog” community eats. Delicious, but boring after reading 15,047 posts about them.
When I lived in Panama, I adopted the “Don’t ask don’t tell. If it tastes good I win” policy for pretty much everything I ever ate. Including the chicken I beheaded myself. Also, I developed a food hoarding habit while making $75 a month as an AmeriCorps volunteer. I hear ya!
Keep it up! (Well, until you’ve finished your term. Then please keep blogging about other random things.)
I love lurkers!!! And I am so glad to hear from you. Definitely can identify. And don’t worry, I will keep it up with the randomness.
i pretty much put it out there that i love butter and sugar…but i was going to say it ain’t no thang that you eat all that! girl, you’re in AFRICA! something that some of us dream of and never know if it will happen! live it up
Haha, I absolutely do not hold those things against you! On the contrary, I give you even more respect for adapting to the culture while still staying enthusiastic about food blogging! I love the unique outlook that you provide. (:
I do the same thing with recipes. I’m actually proud of my gmail folder of recipes. I’m so impressed with your fish eating skills!
Wow this is crazy!!! I don’t do a lot of the things most “health food bloggers” do either. I eat candy all hours of the day, and chips. But what’s my excuse?? I live in AZ now and have food addictions I don’t feel like breaking haha.
Are you in the Peace Corps?? I applied for it last year but never fully finished. Kind of regret that.
Anyways, love your blog! You know what the No. 1 thing I always have to remind myself when blogging?? Don’t compare yourself to other bloggers. They’re not you.
Look forward to reading more about your adventures!!
hey thanks! and as for the peace corps, it is NEVER too late!
Well this post is showing up just fine for me! I don’t hold anything against you. First of all you are living somewhere that I would imagine it would be hard to find all the products the community goes hype over. Second, I don’t eat everything either. I love me a Green Monster and am so glad I finally tried spaghetti squash but my world will go on despite that I don’t LOVE Greek yogurt (too tart) or see why people flip out over almond butter or kombocha – I don’t know how to spell it and I don’t care because it is disgusting.
Eat, drink and be merry – seriously!
I love this post!
You gotta do what you gotta do when you’re down volunteering it up in the Moz, for goodness sakes! You get a free pass on your inability to eat like “the rest of the food blog world” (whatever that means…).
I, on the other hand, have no excuses. I live in Colorado, the healthiest state in our nation….and yet….
-I fueled up for my 18 mile run this past Sunday by drinking three glasses of wine and eating two cupcakes the night before. What better fuel is there? Or not….my digestive system wasn’t so happy in the morning. Lol
-I have a HUGE soft sport for diet root beer, fake scary sweeteners be damned!
-I can never just eat “half a cookie” or “half a granola bar.” Honestly, what kind of people do that? Who lives a cookie uneaten? It perplexes me.
And that, my friend, is just the tip of the iceberg. I am all about nutritious eating, but I don’t let it consume my life. Sometimes, you need wine and cupcakes and whole cookies to make the world go round.
Love love love. Cookies make the best pre run fuel in my opinion, but that is only because I never have cupcakes. And as for sweetner, if it hasn’t killed me yet… and seriously, who eats half of anything?? is it possible? especially clif bars. now that i just do NOT understand!
I LOVE THIS POST! So funny and so true. Here are some of my confessions:
-My husband cooks most of our dinners
-I am afraid of green monsters/amazing grass after one made me throw up
-I didn’t like overnight oats
-I call myself a vegetarian but still eat fish, and every once in awhile (usually after a really long run) would kill for a hamburger
-I’ve also never had kale
I could go on for awhile
Love this!
I don’t like overnight oats either!!! LOVE oatmeal, but I think OO (is that what they are called…?) taste like flavorless mush. And SCORE on the hubby doing the cooking.
This sounds exactly like life in Mozambique! And a lot of those facts still hold true for me today (i.e. expiration dates, cutting off mold, hoarding food…)! YUM! Bet you can’t wait to get back to the deliciousness of the US!! Soon, my dear, soon!
Hi,
I think that if you like to write and engage others on subjects of which you have some command or experience, then blogging is a wonderful application with which you can interact with people who share similar interests as you.
Love this post! Just found your blog… and I can totally relate. I’m overseas too and usually can’t find any unique or fun ingredients… But the fruit is so fresh here that it rots within 4 days if I didn’t eat it fast enough. The (white!!) bread is made fresh everyday in the local bakery, not in a factory with weird ingredients. The eggs are from a village just outside town.
Everything we DO have is fresh and tastes the way food is supposed to taste – And I know where it comes from. How can I complain?! I feel so blessed for what I DO have and not what I can’t find in the store.
That’s hilarious! At least they are very upfront about any “bad” ingredients (glucose cookies!!). Love reading about your experiences in Africa. I’d send you some home made chocolate chip cookies to make you feel better about faking it if I knew the rats wouldn’t get to them before you did.
I think it’s great you have a different food perspective than “everyone else.” The typical foodie fare gets really boring to read about and look at in pictures over and over again anyway. I’m glad you are learning to find and embrace your own voice. Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Hey all we can be is the best we can
I appreciate your honesty to yourself and to your readers!
Girl. I have not had a belly laugh like that reading words on a computer screen in quite some time. Seriously, I laughed out loud. You are hilarious!
I am your exact opposite as I love all the things you have never had/abhor. But I must admit, I’m quite jealous of your dietary tendencies. My tummy doesn’t allow me to eat white bread, but believe me if I could, I’d be at it with gusto!
And when you’re overseas, everything changes. I’ve traveled all over Europe and a tiny corner of Africa (Tunisia) and they’d look at you like you were mad if you asked for half the stuff I eat in my kitchen. Do you!
This is outstanding! I’m so glad you found my blog and now I’ve found yours! I too have tried very few “foodie items,” but have developed my own unusual repertoire of “real food.”
I LOVE this post. It makes me feel better too haha. It’s great to learn all those things about living in Africa. My confessions as a food/healthy lifestyle blogger: I will always choose real spaghetti over spaghetti squash, chocolate over carob, and a real burger over a turkey burger. Oh and I hate lentils!
Great post!!
And popcorn TOTALLY counts as a good carb at dinner.
And the best is all you SHOULD do!! I love this post. I haven’t tried, care to try, or like quite a few of those things you listed out. I’m happy with my basic peanut butter and I don’t care for carob powder. Definitely doesn’t make me any less part of the healthy living blogger community. You’re awesome!!!
Hey girl, I’m faking it too!! Actually.. I’m not sure if my readers really see me as a “healthy living blogger” or more of a “running blogger” – but either way I’ve never eaten ANY of those things you mentioned, I have a strong love for WHITE bread and LOADS of peanut butter, I just ate two peanut butter cookies and have probably consumed like 15 in the past week. Ah, that feels good : )
In all seriousness though, these are the types of blogs that I like. The blogs where it’s a struggle to lead a healthy life. The blogs that eat perfectly every day and run marathons every other weekend don’t really interest me. It just doesn’t seem real, and instead of inspiring me (like I originally thought it would) it just frustrates me.
Ummmm white bread rocks.. just sayin
hey im new to your blog and i love ittt. you keep eating what you want! this is a funny and great post!!
girl, we don’t expect you to do all these “healthy living food blogger” things. honestly, a lot of the habits are just plain weird (oats in a jar?! why?). aaand you’re in africa, which is AWESOME, but does limit your weirdy foodie opportunities. keep on writing and doing your thing – screw these silly expectations!
Way to keep it real!! I love your blog. It has flare. And I’ve never followed a foodie in the Peace Corp. Can’t wait to read on.. and just between you and me, any country where nutrition facts are measured in jules instead of calories.. totally don’t count!! Two years of off-the-hook!!
I really enjoyed this post. I felt the same way when we were living in Brazil. I would see all kinds of things I wanted to try on other blogs and was so jealous that I couldn’t use or try them. But guess what. Now I’m back in the States and I’d gladly give it all back to have some of the fresh produce like 5 varieties of bananas and mangos, and the completely authentic meals I had in Brazil. It was so difficult to adjust to, but living abroad helped me to redefine my perception of health and healthy food. Now it has nothing to do with trendy USAmerican products. Enjoy all that unique food you have there and keep sharing it! I love reading about it!
dude, i am so glad we found each other because i have not eaten any of those things either!!! okay wait – that’s not true. i have had canned pumpkin, mostly when i was in Canada, but you can buy it here at a novelty store that only sells overseas products (where you can also get 24 Dr. Pepper for $50, i kid you not.) lookin forward to reading more:)
Hahaha, so great that there IS someone else out there who has never had kale, Lärabars, almond butter, stevia, canned pumpkin.. the list is endless!:D now I don’t feel weird at all.
To be honest, I never felt weird that I haven’t had any of those things.. they simply don’t exist in Finland and if they do, I haven’t seen them and probably can continue my life without them. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to try everything but you can be healthy in your own way and maybe be a bit different, I’m sure you have your own challenges being a foodie in Africa
ps. that flavorless cabbage would make my day. I LOVE cabbage!
lol, I have eaten all of those things and I’m a foodhoe, not a dang healthy foodie! you rock tho, love all of those survival tactics, many of which I do and I live near the epicenter of food paradise…
thanks!!! it’s fun how we all figure out what works for us