Throughout the Peace Corps experience, there are many chronicled cycles of ups & downs that former volunteers and staff are quick to tell you about. At first you are overwhelmed, then there is a honeymoon period,l then you start to really GET it and consequently you are even more overwhelmed, then you calm down for awhile, until you realize you haven´t accomplished what you wanted and then you freak out AGAIN… et cetera. I´ve been duly warned about all of this. But no one ever told me about what I am refering to as the Halfway Mind Switch.
Peace Corps service is two years. What I´m refering to is this phenomenon where, after 11 months, I still felt “new” and “still at the beginning” and then upon returning from American and being about 13 months in, it felt like I was… almost done. What changed in two months? Nothing really tangible. But a transition passed.
The first year is the part where you try really really hard yet you´re pretty much useless anyway, but you go through cultural assimilation and hard times and learn a lot about yourself in the process, and then the second year is about actually getting something done.
I just didn´t realize how rapid the transition would be, at least for me personally. When you first step into a 27-month commitment, the time seems infininte. But then to open your eyes and be 17 months into the experience without feeling like you´ve “changed the world” (or even done much of anything), it feels like you´re on the way out, and that nothing is going to change.
There are pros and cons of both emotions. Last year, even in October, I tried not to beat myself up over perceived failures because I was still “starting out.” But on the flip side, maybe that became an excuse. Now the “almost-done-even-though-I-still-have-8-months” feeling can work as a motivator: If I´m almost done, then I better get my butt in gear–I want to be proud of what I accomplish during my service. But it can also be a powerful DE-motivator, as second year Volunteers all around the world experience. The idealism is gone, the jaded apathy sets in. “I´m not going to make any difference here–what´s the point in caring, anyway?” Thankfully, I´m not there, and I don´t want to ever be. But I can already see how that happens in your second year. I am going to work my hardest to not be apathetic, nor lie to myself with “I´ll change the world” idealism, and rather seek to find a pragmatic balance in my second year to make it as productive and rewarding as possible. I can´t do everything, but I can do something. Even though I´m almost done.
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This post is a metaphor for life, Courtney. The last paragraph hits on the importance of forging ahead, even when you’re not sure you can make a difference, or if you have enough left in you. Great post!
My friend who volunteered in Morocco experienced the same transition. She entered the Peace Corps with rather romantic aspiration of saving the world, but reality soon set in. Although she didn’t do everything she envisioned, she realized her time spent was worthwhile and her actions did have an impact, no matter how small.